What Defines Cheating?
Couples can get into muddy waters when one person feels “off” about a spouse’s “friendship” with someone who could become a romantic partner. That concern can spark fights over what counts as cheating. Does it have to involve physical contact? These debates don’t soothe anyone: the partner who sees an inappropriate relationship stays upset, and the other partner feels judged and defensive.
What to do? Let’s define an emotional affair: a one-to-one relationship with someone who could become a romantic partner, with some sexual charge, and kept from your spouse.
There are three parts to it.
The first is obvious: it’s a one-to-one personal relationship with somebody who could become a romantic partner. Even if you would never “do” anything, you or that person can still develop strong feelings.
Secondly, if you’re honest with yourself, there is some sexual charge to the relationship. Even though it’s not primarily sexual, you’re attracted and enjoy that attraction. If you dwell on it, the charge could grow.
The third part is the clincher: you don’t tell your spouse what’s going on in the other relationship. You don’t go home and share what you and the other person discussed, or you carefully edit it. If you’re the one being accused, now is the time to come clean. Share everything, including why you didn’t tell your spouse about this person.
If you’re in that relationship and you’re reading this going, “Uh oh,” and realizing a friendship is probably going down a bad path, now is the time to cool it off. You don’t have to be dramatic. Plenty of adult friendships fizzle when life gets in the way. This should be one of them.
If you are the accuser and your spouse is defensive and still argues they are in the right while you feel paranoid, it may be worthwhile to seek marriage counseling together. Something bigger is going on beyond a possible emotional affair. You and your spouse have trust issues. You feel vulnerable and unsafe, and your spouse feels defensive and treated like an untrustworthy teenager. If the conflict about the other person continues, a professional therapist can help you sort out the underlying issues.
If you are being suspected of an emotional affair and you are convinced it’s not so—maybe your spouse has been jealous of everyone of the opposite sex you’ve worked with—it’s in your best interest to help your spouse feel more confident, and this may require a therapist’s help. Your spouse may feel vulnerable for reasons that need to be addressed, and you may be doing other things that contribute to trust issues in your marriage.
Either way, couples therapy can help prevent further damage. It’s not enough to say, “Trust me—there’s no issue,” when your spouse is upset about another relationship.
And if one of you is uncertain about staying in the marriage, our store has specific material for you, or local discernment counseling in Montclair, NJ, may be your next best step.