Pleasure Is the Measure: Rethinking Libido, Desire, and Intimacy.
If you’ve ever found yourself Googling “low libido,” wondering why your desire has changed, or questioning whether you and your partner have mismatched sex drives, you’re not alone. Many people come to therapy — individually or as a couple — worried that something is “wrong” with them, or with their relationship, because desire doesn’t look the way they think it’s supposed to, or used to.
Sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski offers a powerful reframe: pleasure is the measure.
Not frequency.
Not who initiates more.
Not whether desire is spontaneous or responsive.
Just pleasure.
Why Labels Like “Low” or “High” Libido Create More Problems
When people focus on libido, the conversation often turns into comparison or self-criticism:
“I want sex more than my partner.”
“I never feel in the mood anymore.”
“Something must be wrong with me.”
Libido is often treated like a fixed trait, something you either have or don’t. In reality, desire is deeply influenced by stress, emotional safety, health, life transitions, past experiences, and relationship dynamics. This is true whether you’re navigating intimacy on your own or within a partnership.
This framing can create shame, pressure, and disconnection. In relationships, it often fuels a pursuer–distancer dynamic. Individually, it can lead to feeling broken or disconnected from your body. Either way, focusing on libido tends to make intimacy harder, not easier.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire (And Why This Matters)
Another common misunderstanding is the idea that “real” desire should be spontaneous — that spark that just appears out of nowhere. But for many people, desire is responsive, meaning it shows up after connection, touch, relaxation, or emotional safety begins.
Neither type of desire is better or more “normal.” They’re simply different. Problems arise when people assume desire should look a certain way, or when their own experience, or their partner’s, gets labeled as broken.
Pleasure Is the Measure: A More Helpful Way to Think About Intimacy
Nagoski’s core message shifts the question from:
“How often do we have sex?” to “Is the intimacy we’re experiencing pleasurable, connecting, and meaningful?”
This distinction matters because:
You can have frequent sex that feels stressful or disconnected
You can have infrequent sex that feels deeply satisfying
You can work toward more fulfilling intimacy without forcing desire to look a certain way
When pleasure becomes the focus, people often experience more curiosity and compassion toward themselves, and, when applicable, toward their partner. This shift supports emotional safety and connection, which play a central role in desire and sexual wellbeing.
How Pressure and Stress Quiet Desire
Chronic stress, resentment, exhaustion, and unresolved conflict can significantly dampen desire, even when there’s care and attraction present.
When the nervous system is overwhelmed, the body prioritizes protection over pleasure. This is why intimacy concerns often show up alongside burnout, emotional disconnection, or repeated conflict cycles, whether you’re navigating these dynamics internally or within a relationship.
Desire doesn’t disappear because something is wrong. It often goes quiet because the conditions for pleasure aren’t there.
How Therapy Can Help With Intimacy and Desire
In therapy, the focus isn’t on fixing anyone’s libido. Instead, we explore the broader context around desire and your relationship with pleasure, individually or as a couple.
Depending on your needs, therapy may involve looking at:
How stress, life transitions, or emotional patterns are impacting intimacy
Shame, pressure, or expectations around sex
Differences in desire styles without blame
Communication patterns and emotional safety
How pleasure, connection, and consent are actually experienced
For many people and couples, intimacy improves not because they “try harder,” but because they feel more understood, less pressured, and more connected to themselves and each other.
A More Compassionate Way Forward
If intimacy or desire has become a source of tension, confusion, or self-doubt, it doesn’t mean you’re broken, incompatible, or failing.
It may mean you need:
Better language for what’s happening
A different framework than “high vs. low libido”
Support navigating intimacy with more compassion and clarity
When pleasure, not performance, is the measure, intimacy has room to grow in ways that feel sustainable and real.
If you’re looking for therapy in Montclair to work through intimacy or sexual wellbeing concerns, individually or with a partner, you’re welcome to reach out to see if working together feels like a good fit.
Related Reading, Listening and Doing
Emily Nagoski’s books: Come As You, Come Together, and Burnout offer tremendous and acceible insight into how stress, context, and nervous system regulation shape desire. Her work offers a compassionate, research-based framework for understanding libido differences and prioritizing pleasure over performance.
Sex with Emily is a candid, practical podcast about sex, relationships, and intimacy. Hosted by sex educator Emily Morse, the show blends straight-talk advice, research, and real questions to help people communicate better, understand desire, and have more connected sex.
Sex Ed with DB is an inclusive, science-backed podcast hosted by sex educator Danielle Bezalel. The show centers pleasure, consent, relationships, and sexual health, while intentionally uplifting BIPOC and LGBTQ+ voices and perspectives often left out of mainstream sex education.
Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories invites meaningful conversation through thoughtfully designed prompts that help people open up and listen differently. Created by psychotherapist Esther Perel, it’s a simple, engaging way to explore stories, intimacy, and connection.